All of Israel and I were devastated, the parents, brothers, sisters and friends of the killed inconsolably. Helpless anger and fury swept through the nation, bitter lamentation and mourning, such deep grief and pain! And I felt the Lord’s eyes looking at me, O G-d, how He was looking at me! Eyes so sad, so stern, not at all smiling! He did not rebuke me nor did my conscience accuse me (which could have been expected), because I did not rebel but simply failed to grasp the importance and impact of what the Lord had commanded me to do. But --- I stood CONVICTED! POWERFULLY!
And I learned again that it does not matter whether or not we fully understand the “what” and “why” G-d commands us to do certain things in a certain way for a certain time, for we do not as yet know nor understand fully, but only in part. Had I taken my fasting with sackcloth more seriously and not thought that my missing it once or twice would not make such a difference, perhaps these two weekends would not have been as tragic as they were. Maybe the suicide bomber would have only succeeded in blowing himself up without taking so many precious young lives with him. I don’t know. I was commanded to do certain things, but because I was small in my own eyes I did not strictly carry them through. Now my people mourn, weep and lament bitterly as for an only son because of the calamities, which befell them so suddenly without any prior warning nor sign of its approaching.
I have repented most bitterly of my lack of obedience, of being small in my own eyes, and promised Father to stick to it now as long as He requires it. I have worn the sackcloth even this Shabbat and will continue to do so until this “window of mortal danger” passes.
Church, this is a lesson and a warning not only to me, but to you as well, to ALL of us! All of my repentance will not bring those young people back, and I will never know for sure whether those young lives would have been spared had I been strictly obedient. The Word in Joel said to weep and say, “SPARE YOUR PEOPLE, O L-RD! And make not your heritage a reproach, a byword among the nations. WHY SHOULD THEY SAY AMONG THE PEOPLES, ‘WHERE IS THEIR G-D?’”
Beloved, let none of us despise ourselves nor one another, either by being “small” in our own eyes or conceited and “puffed up” about our own importance. One is as wrong as the other. The only One Who matters is the Lord, something king David understood already as a mere youth when he confronted Goliath and the whole Philistine army, as did young Daniel and his friends when they refused to bow their knee before the king’s image.
None of us is “too little” in importance as not to make a difference in G-d’s plan. If He Who saved us lives indeed in us, then it is HE IN US who makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD! It is not up to you or me to judge how “important” we are, for then we measure ourselves by the standards of man, by the eyes and judgment of the flesh. When G-d says “do this,” and “do that,” then it is not ours to question how important it is and how much it will matter in view of our position in the Body and in life. All that matters is to DO and OBEY! For we are His hands and His feet in the earth, G-d’s children entrusted with His Word to do HIS will in the earth as it is done in heaven.
Because of my flesh I failed. It was not for me to judge what an impact my fasting, praying the Word, weeping and wearing sackcloth would have. It was and is sufficient to know that FATHER KNOWS! Ours is merely to obey, with love and faith!
Oh, beloved, the fear of the Lord has once again gotten hold of me. I honestly thought I knew what “obeying Him” means, and that I walked in it. And now I am faced with the realization that I still don’t have a full grasp of it, that I still allowed the flesh’s way of judging things to interfere with my obedience. Yet we are not to judge by what we see with these physical eyes, or by what we hear with our physical ears. Paul said that he did not even judge HIMSELF!5. I did as king Saul did, and this displeases G-d6.
Now, thanks be unto G-d and His infinite mercy and grace and great,
great patience7, that He has not
rejected me because He knows me and how much I love Him, that He is my
whole life, my All, my everything! BUT --- NOW IS THE TIME TO LEARN THESE
LESSONS! There are instances in life for which there is no second
chance! I cannot turn the clock back and undo my failure! Perhaps
innocent lives were meant to be saved, but by judging my part as being
too small G-d’s purposes may have been thwarted.
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